Numb.

I am numb and I am sick.  I want to die so bad.  I must will myself to death.  I don't care if anyone thinks this is nonsense talk.  I don't care. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm sick.  I hope it turns everyone off on me.  I hope it makes everyone think I am sick and causes them to leave me and put me behind them.  I'm no better than when I was when I was young or at other times in life when I wanted to die.  I think I was damaged goods from the time I was a young kid.  I remember having extreme feelings of dread and wanting to die when I was ten and eleven years old.  I remember being so afraid of night time coming that I would literally keep my Mother up listening to my guilt nonsense until I collapsed in sleep.  I remember similar bouts of fear and dread in college, of all places.  When the sun went down, the fear and dread set in.  Staying busy was the only way to work through it.  No matter how well things go, I always seem to end up back here.  This is fucking sick what has happened to me.  I did not ask for this.  My dad would say that God is punishing me for my sin and for my refusal to do His will.  He actually will believe that.  How can so many other people be so happy in life, yet I am so sick?  How can that be?  God, I was given so much. Yet I was also given a damaged brain and damaged emotions.  I always wonder what it would be like to live without constant fear and dread.  There's no doubt I'm sick.  I just wanted one thing in life and I didn't get it.  And now I want everyone to hate me.  I don't want to interact with anyone.  I have to travel this weekend and spend the weekend with friends.  I will have to fake every minute of it with people who are happy in life and who live without fear and who don't cringe in the dark. I've brought it all on myself.  If I had only done what my parents told me to do.  If I had only forced myself to live like they said I should, I'd be happy and at peace like my brother is.  Of course, my unbelievably emotionally solid sister killed herself after going above and beyond what my parents wanted, so what does that tell you?  My guess, she failed, committed an "unforgivable" sin and could not live with the guilt.  Sound familiar?  Only I've been sinning and disappointing those close to me my entire life.  It's only going to get worse.  That's why I beg everyone to forget about me, in fact, hate me.  I want everyone to hate me.  Pile on me the punishment I deserve.  Get in my face and tell me what a wicked, evil piece of shit I am.  Maybe I can "get through this" if I know I am hated and reviled.  I need to retreat from everything, from friends, from emails, from football games, from concerts, from my home and my past, from everything that distracts me. I just want to lay in bed and go to sleep and never wake up. Wow!  Anyone who reads this will believe I need to be committed.  BFD!  So I'm sick.  I hope this will allow sane, precious, incredible, beautiful people to turn their back, walk away and move on, to look forward to much better things in their life.  It hurts to publish this and know that I will turn some off.  I don't want to be thought of as sick and be pitied and be forgotten.  But I don't know what else to do?  My life is over.  I just wish it didn't have to continue.  So many years of fear and misery and inner turmoil.  And it's only going to get worse.  I've touched perfection, I now known that it is out there, that it is possible, yet been denied.