Clearing clutter

Trying to cut things out of my life.  Not emailing stupid shit and not responding to stupid shit emails from friends.  It's a good place to start.  I hate everyone anyway, so why waste my time gratifying myself with stupid nonsense emails.  Why mask what's going on inside by maintaining the status quo?  I'd rather just cut it all out diplomatically than hide behind the illusion.  I wonder if anyone will realize I'm no longer emailing constantly.  They will get over it.

Next, i have to work on my past.  That's going to be a chore.  I believe, though, if you don't do something long enough, you eventually get to the point where you won't need it any longer and you will no longer miss it.  Do I really need football in my life?  Do I really need music in my life?  Do I really need to think about home?  I know it will be a slow transition, and I know I will probably be questioned about it along the way, but I can fake or lie my way through it.  Faking and lying is going to be a staple of life for the duration.  "That is so sad.  That is no way to live.  You CAN be happy.  Whah, whah, whah.".  BFD!  Shut up!  Worry about your own damn self and quit thinking you know what's inside me and can tell me what will and won't make me happy.  I've lived my entire F'g life being told what is good for me.  No one ever seemed to ask me what I thought. Has anyone ever given a shit about what really "moved" me?  Does anyone care that I've been embarrassed to "show my true self" to the world for all these years?  Yeah, now all of a sudden, there's a huge interest, but where's everyone been for 40 fricken years??????  Ha!  Everyone thinks I don't like to dance.  What fools!  I want to dance every minute of every day.  But I can't show it to people.  So I dance in private sometimes and in my head all the time.  I'd love to front porch dance in the dark, but no one's ever made me feel the liberty to do it. It's a little late now to think I'm going to all of a sudden come out of my shell and feel free to expose myself just because you say I can now do it.

I keep thinking about my trip to Albuquerque.  I was really at peace for three days.  I knew no one.  I had contact with almost no one.  I was able to be myself and not worry about what one damn person thought of me.  Was I lonely?  Yeah.  But I was able to live free from any constraints on my feelings or emotions.  Buuuuuuttt, that's not real life.  One more memory I need to cleanse from my memory bank.