Maybe the lowest I've ever been in life.

I'm numb.  I'm physically sick all the time.  My body is worn down and weak all the time.  All too often now, my chest gets heavy and I feel like I may hyperventilate.  I don't see anything positive in my future health.  I "fear" what may happen in the future.  I've been warned that I am heading towards something very bad.  On the one hand, I don't care.  I'm tired of living life as I have existed for the majority of it.  I'm tired of living in fear.  I'm tired of never being understood.  I'm tired of not being able to be myself.  I'm tired of yearning and longing for so much........................yet so little.  I've never asked for much.  I grew up with little and never knew the difference.  I was satisfied with that.  I really only wanted one thing.  I didn't ask for material things.  I drive a car with over 200k miles on it.  I don't own a nice TV.  When I finally broke down and got an Ipod a few years ago, it was a major purchase.  I think I was the last person on earth to buy a DVD player.  I don't go on expensive vacations.  I'm a very simple person.  I only asked for one thing.  All I wanted was that one special companion and lover who didn't need anyone else. Yet the one thing I asked for was the most elusive thing in the world.

I sat next to a young kid (29) in a bar yesterday.  We talked about a lot of things.  But our bartender was the subject of much of the conversation.  As cute as she was, I kept telling him she was "trouble".  As he drank more, the more he opened up to me about what he wants.  He didn't care if a girl was trouble.  He wasn't looking for a life with someone.  In fact, according to him, he bragged about having several girlfriends.  And then he told me, basically, all he cares about is F'g a girl at the end of the night and, if he doesn't think a girl will do it, he's moving on to someone else.  29, and completely without any sense of what true love means......................or caring to find it.  As he talked, I felt myself getting nauseous.  I was sick.  Here I am, well on in life, still longing so bad for that one thing I wanted, yet here was a 29 year old still not understanding what is important in life.........................and going in the absolute opposite direction, just thinking that life is nothing more than F'g a different girl every night.  And all those girls who acquiese to him, thinking there's nothing more to life than giving up yourself to a new guy each week. I was so depressed listening to him, I just felt like blowing my brains out.  And all I ask for is to GIVE my body and mind and heart to ONE other person in life who will do the same for me.  I want my body to be used by that one person for her complete pleasure.  Yet, here was this 29 year old thinking that the meaning of life is to see how many different girls you can bed and discard.