Again, I wonder....................why did I have to wait so long to figure things out in life? Why has it been such a slow progression in life? Why did it take so long to realize how special just walking a quiet road bouncing a super ball could be? Why did I not realize how much I wanted to be home when I was young? Why, even though I can look back and say I always longed for that special ONE who would only need me, and vice versa, did it take so many years for the reality of it to really sink in and for me to finally define the criteria for that special person?
Why did I not go to my first OSU game in Columbus until I was 35? Why did it take so long to discover how much I loved being in Columbus on a fall Saturday afternoon drinking, walking around, taking in the sights and sounds and smells? Why was I 35 before I first had that mesmerizing feeling of being in Ohio Stadium watching my team play? Fifteen years later, I still have to fight back tears every time they run onto the field at the beginning of a game.
Why, at age 28, did I feel I'd really found my life's calling...............competing in triathlons..........and then have the good fortune to fall in with a group of world class triathletes to train with and become national class myself? And why did I then, looking back to now see it for what it was, give it all up seven years later to pursue a career? I still contend, I've never been near as happy as I was in the mid 90's when I was on top and a physical machine. I've never been that happy since.
And why, for all those years, was I not going home every chance I got to just hang and have fun doing the things around the city that all my friends had been able to experience but that I had never done?
Why did it take all these years to realize the utter contentment that would come from sitting out on a dirt road in rural Kansas, in the back of a pickup truck, surrounded by high corn and sunflowers, splitting a six pack and listening to our music and laughing with the only person in the world that mattered?
Why did I believe that I could not leave this crappy city? Why do I want out when so many other people think it's the greatest place on earth? Why do I want so little, when so many others want so much? Why do I just want to be left alone in life? Why do I just need one other companion, when everyone else needs a host of friends and action and parties? Why do I just need a front porch and boombox after dark with that one special person to make me happy while everyone else needs so much action?
Why must I know look at older people and think that I will be like them...............unhappy inside, though half of them don't know it, never figuring out what's important in life,...........................finding out that all I needed in life was that one special companion and partner who only needed me? The painful difference is, I figured it out. How I wish I had not. Now I'm terrified about what my remaining years will bring, knowing it's too late to live my dreams...................and too late to put that mind-blowing smile on that special, one-in-a-million partner, never experiencing what it's like to make someone else truly happy and content. That will be my biggest failure in life. My only claim to fame in life was being able to make three dogs happy. Other than them, though, I have failed miserably. I hope you will forgive me.
And I'm homesick and I just want to cry.
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