All these years.....................

...............and what do I have to show for it?  As far as I can see, all I have to show for it is the fact that I've helped make life great for three wonderful dogs.  What else?  There's nothing.  All those games, all those accomplishments, all those concerts and events, a lakehouse, etc.  Yet, at the end of the day, I've been a monumental disappointment to everyone who loved me and to myself.  I've always hated myself.  No matter how special and unique you may think you are, if you can't love yourself, you aren't anything.  I am a person with nothing but potential, talents that others would love to have................yet I am an empty person.  My Dad kept warning me of this.  He kept trying to make me into something I was not.  Was he right?  I don't know.  All I know is you can't be something because someone is shoving a lifestyle down your throat.  I often wonder if everything I've done and tried to accomplish was because I was trying to prove that I was relevant.  All those games and concerts I just had to go to.  All the activities I had to get involved in, most of which I excelled in.  Training my ass off to be an elite athlete.  For what?  Where is it all now?  What will I be thinking when I'm on my deathbed?  Will I wonder what a waste my life has been?  Hell, I'm doing it already.  Why couldn't I have been born like most other people, people who just wallow through life never having passion or looking inside....................and living without pain and regrets and guilt? This is so unfair.  I did not choose this life.