A momentary lapse of optimism?

Maybe sometimes, you are so low there is nowhere to look but up.  Maybe sometimes, the bitterness and despair gets so bad it pushes you to just say, "the hell with everything and everyone", and just determine to blow things up.  My mind has always raced, yet now, it races at lightspeed.  I can't keep up with all the thoughts and dreams.  I always used to pride myself on being so logical, safe and common sense.  Now, though, it's scary how I continue to drift closer to saying, "I no longer care about the consequences.",  The flames were only fanned this weekend, having to endure three evenings with my family.  The family who shaped my thinking, crammed intolerance down my throat and turned me into the fearful, inner freak that I am.  I wanted to tell them, "I'm sick of being under your thumb inside.  I'm sick of having to tip toe around you.  I'm sick of worrying about what you think of me and my choices.  No longer am I going to care about what you think of my choices and, furthermore, no longer am I going to hide my choices from you.  You can think I'm going to hell.  I do NOT care.  I may not be what you want me to be, but I'm going to BEGIN living my life the way I want to live it.  And I'm done caring who I hurt and what people think of me".

I acknowledge that I am probably setting myself up for very difficult times ahead, but I need to be free.  I'm sick of feeling like I can't be myself and be free from what others think of me.  While no one will ever accuse me of being a conformist, they still want me to conform.  The fact that they think I'm a rude, arrogant person, simply because I don't act like they do and live like they do and carry on the mindless, nonsense drivel that they do, means, they can say they love me all they want, but they are still judging me.  I'm sick of being unhappy too much of the time and watching my life's clock tick off.  I am running out of time.  Yes, the thought of hurting wonderful, wonderful people and basically putting myself on a lonely island, but, really, what is going to change in my life.  No one else is going to change to meet me.  I will have to change.  Well, I don't feel like changing.  I realize I have some deficiencies in my personality that can make me appear rude at times, but I have not changed much in all these years.  So what makes me think I'm going to be able to change now or in the future?  This all hit me last night when trapped at a table in a restaurant with two other couples who are millionaires and who's lives are all peaches and cream, and listening to their retarded, childish, shallow conversations.  Yes, I should be more tolerant.  But I'm not going to change.  I've proven I can't.  So why should I spend my life worrying about people who I have so little in common with and worrying about what they think of me and having to sit through frustrating "conversations" about mindless nonsense?  If I can't conform, is it not time I think about changing my life to find other companions................................

................or be alone?  And that option.......................rather, choice................... is really moving closer.  It's scary, but I wonder if I am not destined to be alone.  I'm beginning to crave freedom and happiness and peace, even more so than before, if that is possible.  "Freedom" does not mean being alone.  But can I find happiness and peace without FIRST coming to terms with being satisfied to be alone?  Do I not have to be willing to FIRST step out there on my own without any safety net to fall back on?  I have to believe there is no safety net before any step out will truly be a success.

Why does everyone believe that there are such simple answers in life and that there are rules that are unchangeable?  Why, at 48, can one not have an epiphany and say, "Things just aren't working in my life anymore.  I need to make drastic changes.", without being ridiculed and condemned to burn in hell?  Why can't people realize that, what may be good and right for them, may no longer work for me?  Hell, they may have never worked for me.  This is not an "epiphany".  This is more of a realization that things have not worked for me.  It breaks my heart to hurt other people.  But, in so many cases, their hurt is more a matter of them condeming my choices than anything else.

As I watched thousands of students on campus Saturday, having fun, clowning around, drinking, enjoying life, it made me think.  It highlighted how, in my entire life, I never got to live free like that and have fun and enjoy myself without commitment.  I have always been under someone's or something's thumb, fearful of being alone, fearful of being without someone, having to conform to other peoples' rules and never being able to be free and be myself. And now, I want that.  Call it a mid-life crisis.  Call it being selfish.  Call it whatever you want.  But I'm tired of it and want to be free to have fun and live free and f'g clown around for once in life.  I want to quit worrying so much about living with fear about having enough money to have things and worrying about conforming to other peoples' wishes for my life.  I just want to live in simplicity and peace, drink beer from a can, enjoy a movie, headbang to heavy metal in a cul de sac, eat cheap burritos from a street vendor, sit in the cheap seats and not be around so many people who are so concerned with how they look and what they are wearing.

I so want the next year to be over.  I want to be happy and at peace.

She Wants Revenge - 6 - It's Just Begun.wmv

Thanksgiving

Hastened by needing to get to the airport early this morning, I got up very early this Thanksgiving morning to take my dog for his run.  It was mid-50's and very damp from the previous day's rain.  The roads were wet and there were leaves everywhere.  It was much quieter than normal, as one would expect.  The hum of the city and some occasional traffic was there.  Still, the difference was noticeable.  I've always enjoyed getting up long before dawn on Thanksgiving and Christmas to take my dog or run, because it's one of the few times I can be one of the few in the world who are up.  Everyone sleeps in on those days.  I like being up when others aren't.  Just another indication of how I really do not like the world and just want to be left alone, for the most part.  I do want to be alone....................or atleast have the option to be alone.....................well, except.....................but that's a given, and the exception.  If I can't have that, then I'd just rather be alone.  I will have to be with my family today for Thanksgiving.  I do not look forward to it.  The only thing I'm looking forward to is getting on that plane and escaping my life here for a few days.  But it will be only a token escape.  How I long for true freedom..............and peace......................and true love.

No Just Us, No Peace

No Just Us, No Peace.

Alice In Chains - Nutshell Lyrics

A strange day.

Pardon my absence for a week now.  I have been, and remain, uninspired, for a number of reasons, none of which I care to ellaborate on.  Suffice it to say, I long for thing(s) in life that appear out of reach.  I'm getting older and feeling pinched by life's clock, yet I have experienced so little of what I came here for.  There is so little time left for me and to touch those I want to reach.  So much stands in my way and it appears insurmountable.  I know what I want.  But wanting something doesn't make it attainable or make it right.  I know I am loved, but I long to fully experience that love.  I want to be fulfilled.  Even more so, I want to fulfill.  I want to drive the Western roads through the mountains and the desert with the one true love and get out and gaze at the spectacular views and sit and talk together.  I want to hike in nature with her and hear the gentle crunching of our boots in the desert sand and rocks of the mountains.  I want to help her up and down off boulders and tight spots and drops as we hike.  I want to stand behind her and wrap my arms around her and hold her as we look out over the mountains and canyons, and warm my cold nose on her warm neck. I want to find a cozy, little one floor motel along the roadway each night to sleep together in and keep each other warm while the temperature plunges in the canyons nearby.  Then find a warm little roadside diner to eat breakfast and drink coffee the next morning before we set out for another day of discovery together.

Bette Davis Eyes

Is it me, or do other people have warm, fond flashbacks when they hear certain songs?  And it's funny how only certain songs do that, not all of them.  This song came on the 80's station on XM this morning.  Everytime I hear this song, it takes me back to Cedarville and, specifically, driving home for spring break in the spring of '81.  I always remember hearing this song on the radio just before we got off at an exit south of Buffalo.  It was late afternoon on a cloudy day and I had caught a ride home with some other student that I did not even know.  My guess is, I had to stick around in C'ville for a track meet while all my Marilla buddies, that I usually travelled with, had left a day or two earlier.  Whoever I was riding with was from the Southern Tier and could only take me so far.  We got off at Angola or Silver Creek, somewhere in there, where my Dad picked me up.  It was a good day.  I wish I was on the Thruway right now, heading north towards home, looking at the lake off to the left and dreaming.  Only, if I was, I would no longer be dreaming.

Muse | Undisclosed Desires | Live in Teignmouth

I love autumn.

Each summer, there is no relief from the relentless heat.  While I enjoy wearing cargo shorts April through October, I'm happiest when I can get back into a pair of my jeans.  Being so hot natured, I wear shorts well down into the 50's.  It was only this week that I could begin getting back into jeans.  Put me in a pair of jeans, indoor soccer shoes and one of my fave OSU basketball warmup tops or a OSU, Bills or Sabres pullover wind jacket and I'm totally now in my element.  I am so comfortable dressed like this.  Annnnnd, I feel so cool.  Yep, that's when I feel cool.  But think about it, when do you feel cool?  I feel cool only when someone else thinks I look cool.  No matter how cool you feel you look, if no one sees you and appreciates it, then you don't look cool.  Annnnnd, you have to have someone you want to think you are cool.  Not just anyone, cuz I don't care about just anyone.  Just her.  I wish so much she could've seen me tonight when I went into town in jeans, my black Adidas soccer shoes and a heavy, long-sleeved OSU basketball warmup pullover.  I felt so cool, so bad, so comfortable, loose and free.  I think she would've thought so too.  It would be so unbelievable to wear just what I had on, and what I enjoy, and hear, "God, you look so hot!" from her.  That's what I want.  Not someone who only compliments me when I'm in a suit or tux, but someone who appreciates me most when I'm in jeans and soccer shoes and a long-sleeved pullover.  For so many women down here, dressing like that just doesn't cut it in a guy.  She's not like that.  That's one huge reason why she's so different. 

Sanctuary for lovers.

By day or by night, just imagine the possibilities. 

Color me happy...........................

..................when its finally real cold and I can wear my cool, new, frigid weather tights on a run for the first time.  Not much happiness in life anymore.  I have to look for simple things.

Moby - First Cool Hive

A selection from my Bedroom Trance Mix.  Light a candle,  lay back, close your eyes..............and imagine..................the world can't touch us now.

Rush - Chemistry

I hope the emotions will always be transmitted............and received.  No flow without the other.


Signal transmitted
Message received
Reaction making impact
Invisibly

Elemental telepathy
Exchange of energy
Reaction making contact
Mysteriously

Eye to I
Reaction burning hotter
Two to one
Reflection on the water
H to O
No flow without the other
Oh but how
Do they make contact
With one another?

Electricity? Biology?
Seems to me it's Chemistry

Emotion transmitted
Emotion received
Music in the abstract
Positively

Elemental empathy
A change of synergy
Music making contact
Naturally

One, two, three
Add without subtraction
Sound on sound
Multiplied reaction
H to O
No flow without the other
Oh, but how
Do we make contact
With one another?

True Love continued.

My mind keeps racing.  This list adds to the original True Love post on 11/2/10.

It may seem to the reader that I’m being verbose in some of these items, that I’m qualifying them with things like, “……..and her enjoying it.”.  I do that for this reason;  True Love is between two people.  It is not one-way.  So I show my love for her by surprising her at her office with flowers or I do other things to show her that I can never get enough of her.  That’s one-way.  The True Love that I so long for is two -way.  It not only involves my partner feeling the same way about me, but it ALSO involves her reveling in the knowledge that I DO feel that way and those things for her.  It’s not asking for a “thank you” or recognition from her.  It’s the desire for her to KNOW and REVEL in the fact that you adore her and can’t live without her.  So, it is a matter of BOTH partners enjoying and seeing the “specialness” in each item.

Ø  TUL is never keep a secret from your partner………………….and never doing anything that you have to keep from your partner.

Ø  TUL is wanting to send loving emails and texts to each other during the day…………..each partner being touched by receiving them.

Ø  TUL is never being embarrassed to give or receive PDA (within reason) to/from your partner…………………………and knowing she feels exactly the same way.

Ø  TUL is when friends can tell that you are totally into each other………………especially after you’ve been together for years.

Ø  TUL is grabbing three quarters from the ground at the Starbuck’s drive thru and your first act is to text her to say, “Three quarters at Starbucks drive thru.  I’m rich!!!!!!!!”.  And she thinks you are “too darn cute” for doing so.

Ø  TUL is walking around the streets of a far off big city on vacation, where neither of you know anyone, and you are so happy and content to be there alone with her as a couple.

Ø  TUL is sitting close to her and spending time just staring at her, mesmerized and slowly gazing at every square inch of her face and neck, unable to look away, because you are looking at the most beautiful creature in the world.

Ø  TUL is believing she is the prettiest girl ever on the face of the earth……………and telling her that every day…………..and her feeling a tingle inside every time you tell her.

Ø  TUL is her knowing she never needs to wear make-up for you.

Ø  TUL is any girl that looks at you saying, “Whoa!  Hands off him!”, not because they see a jealous, rabid partner on your arm, but because your vibes and actions “tell” them that you are totally in love and couldn’t care less about any other woman.

Ø  TUL is totally digging her in a T-shirt, beat up jeans and flip flops or sneakers.

Ø  TUL is totally enjoying going grocery shopping together.

Ø  TUL is enjoying shoveling the snow out of the driveway, brushing the snow off her car and warming her car up for her.

Ø  TUL is each of you enjoying her modeling for you when she buys new clothes, even if it’s only a T-shirt.

Ø  TUL is getting a charge out of buying her a unique gift for no special occasion and seeing the smile on her face, and knowing she appreciates it because you did it out of love for her.

Ø  TUL is her saying to you on a dark, rainy, summer night, “Let’s get naked and go run around the back yard in the rain.”.

Ø  TUL is being at the lake on a sunny afternoon and her saying, “I know it’s the middle of the afternoon and boats may come by, but let’s jump in and go skinny dipping!”.

Ø  TUL is her realizing and reveling in how your music affects you, and listening to your deepest songs and going, “Wow!”.

Ø  TUL is stopping by her office during the day to surprise her with flowers, or nothing at all, and a five minute kiss behind her closed door…………….and her really digging it.

Ø  TUL is having a blast playing basketball together in your driveway.

Another dark, cold, rainy morning.

All it does is make me think of home and long to be there.  I always wonder why so many are so eager to leave there, or are so happy they have left and would never go back, when I have always been so full of longing to return.  It actually hurts me every time I talk to someone who has left and expresses such relief in leaving and say they would never go back.  On the other hand, I have many friends there who have stayed or left and returned.  I know some of them are happy, and I am so jealous of them.  I know others would leave if the right opportunity came along.  I remember the simple way of life.  I remember the simple, happy, loving people who just lived their lives and enjoyed their families and friends, and for whom getting rich, having an expensive car and a big house appeared nowhere on their list of life's priorities. Maybe I would feel different if I were to return and stay.  Maybe it's not the "romantic" place that I dream about.  Maybe if I had to live and work there and drive in traffic and slog through all the mundane things in life, I would feel different.  Maybe I would find the people had changed.  Maybe I would change my mind and want to leave.  I doubt it, though, especially if I was with her. 

Really, am I asking for too much?  Have I been all my life?  Do I dream too much and too big?  Are the things I want, or think I want, too unrealistic?  Are they attainable?  And if they are, would the cost of searching for, and maybe finding, them be too great?  As my mind continues to race 24/7, I'm wondering if I'm not taking this all too seriously.  I need to know.  I'm running out of time.  I don't want to wake up old one day and realize I have wasted my entire life, when I could've been happy............and fulfilled.  48 years is well into the anticipated second half of my life.  I feel like every day now is one less day to figure it out.  I don't have a lot of time left to figure it out.  While I may not always show my appreciation for the help and support that is communicated to me, I do appreciate it and I do feel loved when I receive it.  The deep thoughts may not be communicated often, but when they do, the words are so wise and intuitive and, sometimes even beautiful.  I continue to be amazed at how I feel so loved.  It's so much and so constant, and I am so insecure, that I often have to wonder if it is real and, more important, would it continue for a lifetime if I were able to experience it firsthand.  Because, it is what I long for.  It appears to be what I have waited a lifetime for.  It meets all my True Love examples.  But am I being unrealistic?  Could it last and last and last?  I want to believe it would.  I know it would take work.  Maybe not so much "work".  Maybe a better word is "nurturing".  If you find that person, and you initially experience all the aspects of my True Love list, can you expect that it will just continue unabated without nurturing?  I don't know.  I tend to doubt it.  Especially if you have possibly "been there" before (or thought you were there before) and lost it.  You probably need to continue to DO the things on my list to "keep the fire" AND to nurture her and never let her forget how much you love her and adore her and can't live without her............not for one minute.  Never let her doubt your love and devotion.  Never let her question the fact that you worship her.  Never let her wake up in the morning and NOT say, "I have it ALL.  I live a life of fulfillment.  I need nothing else.". 

"I wanna go home!!"

I really would like to know who's reading this every day.

There's way too many hits from multiple unknown sources.

All I have to say today is.....................

.................I could not feel any more alone than I do right now.  I want to run far away from here and from everyone.

True love.

After I wrote my post this morning about true physical and emotional love, I just had to keep writing.  All sorts of thoughts ran through my mind about true love and defining true love.  While this will by no means be a complete list, this is the beginning of my list of my things that help define True, Unconditional Love.

Ø  True, unconditional love is waking up in the night holding your partner and smelling her hair as she sleeps, and relaxing in peace knowing there is no place on earth you’d ever rather be.

Ø  TUL is sitting across the kitchen table on a dark workday morning, eating breakfast, sipping coffee, talking and smiling, and staring at her ‘til the last minute you have to leave for work, sad because you won’t get to see her for ten hours.

Ø  TUL is sitting on a plane next to her, holding her hand, truly happy and at peace because you are not alone…………and you are not with someone else………………you are with her.

Ø  TUL is being on vacation and feeling that tingle inside when you enter your hotel room with her.

Ø  TUL is you wearing a hockey or football jersey out to a bar or informal restaurant and her not thinking you are a bohemian for doing so.

Ø  TUL is her laughing at you peeing off the deck.

Ø  TUL is making her laugh so hard snot comes out her nose.

Ø  TUL is being on the phone with her and making her laugh so loud the entire office hears her and wonders what is so funny.

Ø  TUL is driving through the country in the dark, predawn hours, side-by-side in your pick up truck, with her head on your shoulder.

Ø  TUL is laying in bed at night next to her, lost in gazing at her as she sleeps.

Ø  TUL is sitting on the front porch all evening listening to each other’s music and sharing a six pack.

Ø  TUL is learning her music and really appreciating it and wanting to download as much of it as possible for her.

Ø  TUL is going away for the weekend to a football game and really, really missing her.

Ø  TUL is having the opportunity to go away for the weekend to a football game, but choosing instead to stay home with her and having waaaaaay more fun.

Ø  TUL is going away for the weekend to a football game and exhausting every resource to ensure she can accompany you.

Ø  TUL is being able to go to a Sabres game, but instead just sitting at home watching it together on the couch.

Ø  TUL is having waaaaaaay more fun staying at home with her than going to games.

Ø  TUL is really, truly being proud of her and smiling ear-to-ear when she accomplishes something professionally and wins an award.

Ø  TUL is going to a party together and not wanting to leave her side.

Ø  TUL is going to a party together and constantly sneaking winks at each other when separated across the room.

Ø  TUL is going to a party together and sneaking into an upstairs room or into the car for a quickie.

Ø  TUL is her telling you she’s 20 pounds overweight and you couldn’t care less.

Ø  TUL is her sending you a photo of her gut and you laughing your head off and realizing that she trusts you so much that she would actually send what she considers an embarrassing photo of herself.

Ø  TUL is really, truly caring that she gets home safe at night.

Ø  TUL is knowing you would love her just as much if she were confined to a wheelchair.

Ø  TUL is laying next to her face in bed at night as she sleeps and believing the sound of her breathing is the most beautiful sound ever in the world.

Ø  TUL is knowing that, when she wants to sleep in on a weekend morning, it’s not because she doesn’t want to get up and be with you.

Ø  TUL is loving her for being “one of the guys” with you.

Ø  TUL is her knowing she can be “one of the guys” with you.

Ø  TUL is being completely happy sitting together on the back of your pickup truck out in a quiet, solitary place in the country, drinking beer from cans and listening to each other’s music and never being embarrassed to get up and dance in front of each other, knowing it will bring a huge smile to the other’s face.

Ø  TUL is hating it when she gets out of bed in the morning.

Ø  TUL is never keeping secrets from the other.

Ø  TUL is knowing you can bear your soul to her without embarrassment.

Ø  TUL is knowing you can tell her your fears anxiety and that she will not think less of you for doing so.

Ø  TUL is being at home with her and forgetting that the world exists.

Ø  TUL is really, truly hurting when she is hurting.

Ø  TUL is calling her in the late morning on a workday and not being afraid to ask her to swing by for a nooner in the car.

Ø  TUL is caring more about pleasing her sexually than being pleasured by her.

Ø  TUL is needing no one else but each other.

Ø  TUL is going out together, sitting in a bar or restaurant and really, really enjoying just being alone together.

Ø  TUL is sitting and just staring at her for hours without getting bored.

Ø  TUL is wanting to crush her with a hug every time you lay eyes on her.

Ø  TUL is sometimes crying because you love her so much.

Ø  TUL is her knowing she can pee in the shower without you doing anything but laughing.

Ø  TUL is wanting to walk up behind her at the kitchen sink and just wrap your arms around her and cradle her tight.

Ø  TUL is agreeing to disagree…………………..but always appreciating each other’s differing opinion.

Ø  TUL is really, always wanting to help her grow as a person, professionally and emotionally.

Ø  TUL is always doing everything possible to help build her self-confidence.

Ø  TUL is her knowing she can always cry on your shoulder without embarrassment.

Ø  TUL is having just as much fun together at a dive bar as at some expensive restaurant.

Ø  TUL is loving the fact that she loves to eat and watching her stuff her face.

Ø  TUL is being at total peace, holding hands and going on long walks.

Ø  TUL is being at total peace sitting together around a little fire in the backyard on a cool evening.

Ø  TUL is stopping her and making her roll her window down so you can give her another kiss as she backs out of the driveway to go to work in the morning.

Ø  TUL is knowing you could never live without her.

Ø  TUL is not caring how small and simple your house is, just as long as you are together in it.

Ø  TUL is giving a shit about what only one person in the world thinks of you……………….her.

Ø  TUL is believing in her and trusting her so much that, when she disagrees with you, you know she’s right.

Ø  TUL is sitting next to her in the car and being enthralled with her, staring at her when she drives.

Ø  TUL is knowing you have the absolute coolest, most incredible partner in the world.

Ø  TUL is never kissing each other enough.

Ø  TUL is her not being afraid to show you a photo of her ugly big toe.

Ø  TUL is her sending a photo of a zit on her chin to you on your phone.

Ø  TUL is dressing with the other in mind.

Ø  TUL is always encouraging each other.

Ø  TUL is never having to close the bathroom door.

Ø  TUL is knowing the little things that bug her and never doing them.

Ø  TUL is looking her in the eyes and telling her, “I Love You and you are the center of my universe!”.

Ø  TUL is telling her, “You drive me crazy with love!” and really meaning it.

Ø  TUL is aching for each other when you are apart.

Ø  TUL is loving each other so much that neither of you ever thinks of anyone else.

Ø  TUL is thinking about her all day and driving home as fast as possible to be with her after work.

Ø  TUL is knowing the other’s needs and meeting them.

Ø  TUL is taking the middle console out of her pickup truck so that you can always sit close together while driving.

Ø  TUL is always ensuring the other is included if going out with friends.

Ø  TUL is knowing that “we are a family, her and I” when getting together with respective in-laws and extended family.

Ø  TUL is knowing that each other is the number one person in each other’s life, even when it comes to “family”.

Ø  TUL is knowing I would gladly throw myself in front of a bullet or speeding car and die myself in order to save her life.

In the span of a few hours, this list has become a compulsion for me.  I believe this exercise is something that will  help me find courage to be myself in the future, never settling until I find my true love. I welcome all comments and input.  To be continued.

I think I have finally put it into words.

I have tried many times to put into words how I feel about my desire for true love in the past. While I feel I have been able to do a good job of putting my feelings into words before, I think I have finally hit my exact, for lack of a better word, “definition” of true love.  I have always defined it as the consummate combination of physical and emotion pleasure and sharing.  Anyone can have sex.  Anyone can gain pleasure from sex.  But sex is just a physical act.  A physical act, no matter how physical pleasuring, is, after all, only physical.  What I have been longing my whole life for is much more than that.  Sex, by itself, if unfulfilling.  It feels good, but in the end, it does not fulfill.  You can have it any day with anyone.  You can have it with a stranger.  Only the combination of the physical and the emotional provides the true love that I yearn for and, which I believe, escapes the majority of people in this world, most because they lack the innate desire for it.  They just don’t know.  I have “known” my entire life. I have had that need my entire life.  The need to be loved unconditionally.  The need to truly share my body and heart with one other person who loves me unconditionally and shares my desire for “oneness”, who is unafraid to expose herself to me and who will unconditionally allow me to expose myself to her.

With that in mind, yes, the physical is important, dare I say, crucial.  But, and here it is, the physical pleasure gained through physical intimacy is merely the end by-product of the explosion of emotions that two partners feel for each other when they become one.  Deep down, it’s not about the physical pleasure.  It’s not about the orgasm.  The orgasm is only the end result generated from an explosion of emotions of true love, of sharing each other, of being unafraid to bear your soul to your partner, of losing all fear and embarrassment and putting all of your trust in your partner.  When you find that true love, your goal is no longer the orgasm.  Your goal is then the outpouring of emotions and love and oneness that get you to that orgasm.  Your goal is to fill your partner with those emotions that lead her to orgasm.  At that point, the physical actions do not result in the orgasm……………….the emotions and incredible, infinite love for that person result in the orgasm.  The orgasm is NOT the destination.  The sharing and outpouring and explosion of emotions are the journey AND the destination.

Until I have that, I will never have known true love and I will never have been “released” to be myself and to be who I am.

Cool, breezy morning

What a perfect morning to take my dog for his run.  It's 54 and breezy, leaves littered the streets.  It was dark and cloudy.  The smell of fall was in the air.  A perfect morning.  The kind of morning that made it impossible for me to not dream about home,...................and sitting at the kitchen table in a warm, quiet South Buffalo house, the house mostly dark except for the light above the kitchen table, eating breakfast, sipping coffee and talking life and love with my love and best friend, both of us dreading the moment that we will be forced to tear ourselves apart and head for work, and looking forward to the moment when we are reunited at the end of the afternoon.  Could life be any better or heartwarming?  I can dream, can't I?  I know, I know, talk is cheap, but I will never stop dreaming and hoping.