Maybe sometimes, you are so low there is nowhere to look but up. Maybe sometimes, the bitterness and despair gets so bad it pushes you to just say, "the hell with everything and everyone", and just determine to blow things up. My mind has always raced, yet now, it races at lightspeed. I can't keep up with all the thoughts and dreams. I always used to pride myself on being so logical, safe and common sense. Now, though, it's scary how I continue to drift closer to saying, "I no longer care about the consequences.", The flames were only fanned this weekend, having to endure three evenings with my family. The family who shaped my thinking, crammed intolerance down my throat and turned me into the fearful, inner freak that I am. I wanted to tell them, "I'm sick of being under your thumb inside. I'm sick of having to tip toe around you. I'm sick of worrying about what you think of me and my choices. No longer am I going to care about what you think of my choices and, furthermore, no longer am I going to hide my choices from you. You can think I'm going to hell. I do NOT care. I may not be what you want me to be, but I'm going to BEGIN living my life the way I want to live it. And I'm done caring who I hurt and what people think of me".
I acknowledge that I am probably setting myself up for very difficult times ahead, but I need to be free. I'm sick of feeling like I can't be myself and be free from what others think of me. While no one will ever accuse me of being a conformist, they still want me to conform. The fact that they think I'm a rude, arrogant person, simply because I don't act like they do and live like they do and carry on the mindless, nonsense drivel that they do, means, they can say they love me all they want, but they are still judging me. I'm sick of being unhappy too much of the time and watching my life's clock tick off. I am running out of time. Yes, the thought of hurting wonderful, wonderful people and basically putting myself on a lonely island, but, really, what is going to change in my life. No one else is going to change to meet me. I will have to change. Well, I don't feel like changing. I realize I have some deficiencies in my personality that can make me appear rude at times, but I have not changed much in all these years. So what makes me think I'm going to be able to change now or in the future? This all hit me last night when trapped at a table in a restaurant with two other couples who are millionaires and who's lives are all peaches and cream, and listening to their retarded, childish, shallow conversations. Yes, I should be more tolerant. But I'm not going to change. I've proven I can't. So why should I spend my life worrying about people who I have so little in common with and worrying about what they think of me and having to sit through frustrating "conversations" about mindless nonsense? If I can't conform, is it not time I think about changing my life to find other companions................................
................or be alone? And that option.......................rather, choice................... is really moving closer. It's scary, but I wonder if I am not destined to be alone. I'm beginning to crave freedom and happiness and peace, even more so than before, if that is possible. "Freedom" does not mean being alone. But can I find happiness and peace without FIRST coming to terms with being satisfied to be alone? Do I not have to be willing to FIRST step out there on my own without any safety net to fall back on? I have to believe there is no safety net before any step out will truly be a success.
Why does everyone believe that there are such simple answers in life and that there are rules that are unchangeable? Why, at 48, can one not have an epiphany and say, "Things just aren't working in my life anymore. I need to make drastic changes.", without being ridiculed and condemned to burn in hell? Why can't people realize that, what may be good and right for them, may no longer work for me? Hell, they may have never worked for me. This is not an "epiphany". This is more of a realization that things have not worked for me. It breaks my heart to hurt other people. But, in so many cases, their hurt is more a matter of them condeming my choices than anything else.
As I watched thousands of students on campus Saturday, having fun, clowning around, drinking, enjoying life, it made me think. It highlighted how, in my entire life, I never got to live free like that and have fun and enjoy myself without commitment. I have always been under someone's or something's thumb, fearful of being alone, fearful of being without someone, having to conform to other peoples' rules and never being able to be free and be myself. And now, I want that. Call it a mid-life crisis. Call it being selfish. Call it whatever you want. But I'm tired of it and want to be free to have fun and live free and f'g clown around for once in life. I want to quit worrying so much about living with fear about having enough money to have things and worrying about conforming to other peoples' wishes for my life. I just want to live in simplicity and peace, drink beer from a can, enjoy a movie, headbang to heavy metal in a cul de sac, eat cheap burritos from a street vendor, sit in the cheap seats and not be around so many people who are so concerned with how they look and what they are wearing.
I so want the next year to be over. I want to be happy and at peace.
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