All it does is make me think of home and long to be there. I always wonder why so many are so eager to leave there, or are so happy they have left and would never go back, when I have always been so full of longing to return. It actually hurts me every time I talk to someone who has left and expresses such relief in leaving and say they would never go back. On the other hand, I have many friends there who have stayed or left and returned. I know some of them are happy, and I am so jealous of them. I know others would leave if the right opportunity came along. I remember the simple way of life. I remember the simple, happy, loving people who just lived their lives and enjoyed their families and friends, and for whom getting rich, having an expensive car and a big house appeared nowhere on their list of life's priorities. Maybe I would feel different if I were to return and stay. Maybe it's not the "romantic" place that I dream about. Maybe if I had to live and work there and drive in traffic and slog through all the mundane things in life, I would feel different. Maybe I would find the people had changed. Maybe I would change my mind and want to leave. I doubt it, though, especially if I was with her.
Really, am I asking for too much? Have I been all my life? Do I dream too much and too big? Are the things I want, or think I want, too unrealistic? Are they attainable? And if they are, would the cost of searching for, and maybe finding, them be too great? As my mind continues to race 24/7, I'm wondering if I'm not taking this all too seriously. I need to know. I'm running out of time. I don't want to wake up old one day and realize I have wasted my entire life, when I could've been happy............and fulfilled. 48 years is well into the anticipated second half of my life. I feel like every day now is one less day to figure it out. I don't have a lot of time left to figure it out. While I may not always show my appreciation for the help and support that is communicated to me, I do appreciate it and I do feel loved when I receive it. The deep thoughts may not be communicated often, but when they do, the words are so wise and intuitive and, sometimes even beautiful. I continue to be amazed at how I feel so loved. It's so much and so constant, and I am so insecure, that I often have to wonder if it is real and, more important, would it continue for a lifetime if I were able to experience it firsthand. Because, it is what I long for. It appears to be what I have waited a lifetime for. It meets all my True Love examples. But am I being unrealistic? Could it last and last and last? I want to believe it would. I know it would take work. Maybe not so much "work". Maybe a better word is "nurturing". If you find that person, and you initially experience all the aspects of my True Love list, can you expect that it will just continue unabated without nurturing? I don't know. I tend to doubt it. Especially if you have possibly "been there" before (or thought you were there before) and lost it. You probably need to continue to DO the things on my list to "keep the fire" AND to nurture her and never let her forget how much you love her and adore her and can't live without her............not for one minute. Never let her doubt your love and devotion. Never let her question the fact that you worship her. Never let her wake up in the morning and NOT say, "I have it ALL. I live a life of fulfillment. I need nothing else.".
"I wanna go home!!"
No comments:
Post a Comment