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I really was going to try to get away from this stupid blog.  I was going to try to wean myself off it.  It serves no good purpose.  I didn't even make it 24 hours.  I'll start over after this post and try to be stronger.

I had a long lunch today with a dear friend from high school.  She's been here almost as many years as I have.  The big difference is, her entire extended family (A very large, tight knit, Catholic family which defines the mold of the salt-of-the-earth people I grew up with at home.) has remained back home and she has lengthy visits home numerous times each year.  Here again, I underestimated how I would feel seeing her again.  While we had several items of business to discuss, the majority of the talk was about home and "would we go back?" and friends back home, etc.  Like I said, I underestimated.  I really had to work hard to A, hold in my emotions and, B, not talk too much about my overwhelming desire to go/move home or any of the circumstances surrounding that desire.  It was very, very hard.  I felt emotionally suffocated the entire time and still feel that way several hours later.  I just wish there was one other person in the world that knew what I'm going through.  One other person that would understand, that I could talk to.  But there is no one.

I had a couple meetings today, so I got dressed up.  I wore my favorite solid blue dress shirt, a cool purple tie and a charcoal, pin striped suit.  As I was leaving, I happened by a mirror and it struck me, "I look pretty damn good.".  I never look at myself and it sounds stupid to say that, but I liked the way I looked.  And all I could think about was, "Why can't she see me today??????".  I stayed away from mirrors and car window reflections the rest of the day just so I wouldn't sadly dwell on us not being together.

I was not going to dwell on yesterday, but now I think I feel compelled to talk a little about it.  It was very hard.  I smoked a ton of cigarettes yesterday.  To want someone so bad and to want to be with them on their special day, yet, to feel light years away and so on the outside was excrutiating.  She was physically and emotionally surrounded by her friends and family....................yet I could not be counted in that circle.  I know that is selfish.  I felt/feel like some 16 year old.  Her friends and family could shower well wishes on her and some were actually to spend time with her.  I could do nothing.  I felt so impotent and forgotten.  You see this large circle of family and friends.  Then you realize, you're all alone on the outside.

As I drove early this morning in the dark rain, enjoying it so much, one thought seemed to calm me down a little.  I thought, I have "known" the most incredible girl in the world.  I have been "close" to her.  Something about the certainty of the knowledge that I have known the most incredible and desirable girl in the world seemed to calm me temporarily.  I can't explain it.  IMHSGDM.