For once, I understimated.

I knew tomorrow would be difficult.  I just didn't think it would be this bad.  And I didn't foresee it starting tonight.  While I knew tomorrow would be a day of immense significance and heaviness, I have to admit, I didn't think it would be so bad.  I should have known better.  Now that it's already begun and I have some knowledge of events, it's hitting me like the weight of the world.  I just had to go outside and smoke two cigarettes to try to calm myself down.  The feelings of aloneness and being forgotten and being so on the outside are overwhelming and crushing.  Maybe it's for the best. Maybe getting kicked in the gut is the quickest way to transition. My mind is wild with thoughts and fears.  I haven't asked God to grant my wish for several nights, but I will resume tonight.