All alone.

I got away tonight and came up to the lake.  I needed to get away.  I used to love coming up here alone. But now I'm really alone.  I don't even have my dog to keep me company.  And for the first time, I'm really alone.  I'm hoping the cool night and sleep will bring some comfort.  Ha!  Right.  I walked up the driveway to the "street" and sat in the driveway looking up at all the stars, the stars and open sky you can't see in the city.  I was somewhat annoyed at the half moon which was providing too much light.  Still, I was able to see so many stars and the occasional plane crossing so far above. With such an open sky, it doesn't matter how far you are from civilization, there's a plane above you somewhere.  But I was so alone.  I heard an occasional deer or coyote passing close by in the dark as I sat in the dark and smoked.  And I realized I'd probably always be alone.  I wondered where I'd be in five years.  I'm sure it won't be pretty.  There's a good chance I will be truly alone in every way.  I wish five years were here.  Get all the shit that is coming my way behind me and just get it over with.  I don't see myself here or anywhere near here.  And I won't be surprised if I'm all alone.  If I am, I won't be here and I probably won't have many friends or family, a mess that will be of my own making.  I guess with time, I'll get used to it.  I know I don't want to be alone, I know I don't want true love and peace to alude me, but there's not much I may be able to do about it.  Maybe I was destined to be alone.  I'm hoping for sleep tonight.  I will be listening, as always, to talk radio to slow down my miserable and fearful racing mind.  Doesn't seem fair that things have been this way.  I wonder if, five years from now, I'll be all alone in Kansas, looking up at the big sky and stars, hearing the silence and laying alone in bed with only talk radio to keep me company at night. I'd say there's a very good chance.  Not what I envisioned for myself.  It will take some getting used to.  Off to bed, truly alone.